Dealing With Loss
Loss is a universal part of life, and the way we respond to it shapes our growth and mental resilience. As a man, I understand that dealing with loss—whether it's the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even the loss of one's sense of self—often means navigating a landscape filled with cultural expectations and internal battles. It is in times of crisis that our true character is forged, but many of us fall into the traps of psychological immaturity, succumbing to a mindset that prevents growth. Today, I want to share how embracing the effort mindset and the principles of neuroergology—both of which I developed—can help us rise above the common pitfalls of emotional stagnation and evolve into more resilient versions of ourselves.
The Weight of Loss
Loss triggers an undeniable crisis, a period when our understanding of life is upended. Neuroscience tells us that during times of loss, the amygdala—the part of the brain involved in processing emotions like fear and sadness—becomes highly active. This heightened activity can make us feel overwhelmed, but understanding this response can help us manage and eventually overcome it. This disorientation can manifest as shock, denial, anger, sadness, or even numbness. For many of us, it's instinctive to suppress emotions or seek distraction rather than confront these feelings head-on. Cultural conditioning often labels men as "weak" when we display vulnerability, discouraging emotional openness and reinforcing a stoic facade. This cultural pressure impacts our ability to develop emotional regulation skills, which are crucial for processing emotions effectively. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for managing emotions and making reasoned decisions, plays a key role in this process. But hiding behind this mask keeps us anchored in psychological immaturity, never allowing the growth that crisis ultimately offers.
Psychological immaturity, in this context, isn't about a lack of intelligence or education—it's about not having the tools or habits to respond productively to emotional turbulence. Incorporating the concept of emotional intelligence, specifically components like self-awareness and emotional regulation, can provide a more nuanced understanding of how to develop these necessary tools. This immaturity can manifest as substance abuse, aggressive behaviors, emotional isolation, or an unwillingness to adapt. To rise above this, we need a new perspective—one rooted in maturity, effort, and self-awareness.
Embracing the Effort Mindset
The effort mindset is about action in the face of adversity. It is deeply connected to the concept of neuroplasticity, explaining how repeated effort can lead to changes in brain structure and resilience-building. Both the effort mindset and neuroergology are neuroscience- and brain-based concepts I developed. It's about understanding that the most effective antidote to emotional paralysis is movement—no matter how small. When dealing with loss, adopting an effort mindset means making conscious choices to engage with the pain rather than avoid it. It means asking ourselves, "What can I do today to move forward?"
This effort can take various forms—seeking professional support, engaging in self-reflective practices like journaling, or finding meaningful projects that help channel the energy of grief. The key is consistency, not perfection. When we commit to the effort required to process our emotions, we break free from the stagnation that often comes from trying to deny or escape loss.
Neuroergology assists with both work-related and life-related stress. It examines the cognitive, neurological, and psychological aspects of our daily challenges, involving brain functions such as the role of the hippocampus in learning and memory. These functions are crucial for adapting to various stressors. Through neuroergology, we learn that our mental habits are shaped by the thoughts we repeatedly entertain. Facing loss becomes an opportunity to rewire our brain’s response patterns—to create new, healthier paths that promote resilience rather than retreat. This process involves synaptic pruning, where the brain eliminates weaker synaptic connections while strengthening others, helping us develop more adaptive responses to emotional challenges.
Rising Above Psychological Immaturity
Rising above psychological immaturity means stepping away from easy routes of self-pity and blame. This is where cognitive restructuring, a psychological strategy for shifting negative thought patterns, becomes crucial. It means actively taking responsibility for the healing process. While loss cannot be undone, the choice to grow despite it can be empowering. Here are some steps I recommend:
Face Emotions Head-On: Allow yourself to experience sadness, anger, and confusion. It can be terrifying, but it’s necessary. Suppression only leads to bottled-up emotions that explode later. Growth comes from acknowledging emotions and letting them pass through.
Take Action, One Step at a Time: Inaction leads to a cycle of rumination, which only deepens despair. Taking even the smallest steps—like exercising, cooking a healthy meal, or meeting a friend—can build momentum and gradually alleviate the weight of loss.
Seek Support: Real maturity lies in understanding when we need support and actively reaching out. This could mean seeing a therapist, joining a support group, or leaning on friends and family. Being vulnerable and admitting the need for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Learn and Grow: A crisis can be an opportunity to rebuild ourselves—to grow in understanding, patience, and empathy. Reframing loss as a period of learning rather than a dead end can change our perspective and lead to long-term growth.
Strength in Resilience
Ultimately, the way we respond to a crisis can redefine our character. The path away from psychological immaturity is not easy, nor is it linear. There will be days of setbacks and doubt, but resilience comes from consistency—from continually choosing to face challenges head-on and putting in the effort to improve, even incrementally.
In this journey, loss can be seen not just as a source of pain, but as a catalyst for transformation. It is the moments of greatest trial that build true character, and how we rise against the odds shapes the story we leave behind. True masculinity is not defined by an absence of emotion, but by how we rise despite it. It is about building a mature, self-aware, and resilient self, ready to face whatever comes next with strength and dignity.
Remember, the lens you choose to look through determines what you see. Choose resilience, effort, and maturity—and see how the hardest of losses can become the groundwork for profound growth.